Sep 14, 2011

If You are Brave Enough!

As I am sitting here in my room alone and I look outside the room, all I see is darkness with a few shining houses miles away from my home. Just a few minutes ago, I was sitting with my sister, my brother and my lovely niece and nephew. We were talking about some of the beautiful and bitter memories of the past.  My oldest sister Awaz, she came back just a few months ago from Korea with her children. Having them with us in our house is just wonderful.

She was leading the whole conversation, recalling some of the scary events about ghosts ( my favorite topic of all time!) and about the times, when my dad was in prison because of political reasons and eventually she ended up reminding us of some of the most beautiful memories we spent together.

She was talking about the times, when we were living in Shaqlawa (a beautiful place located in the North of Kurdistan) and about the times when we used to live in Ranya, Chwarqwrna, and Btwen (those are some of the towns located in the East of Kurdistan near Iraq-Iran border).

I was saying nothing; just listening to her soft voice as she was beautifully reminding us and smiling. Those times were the best times of my life; I will miss those days forever!
By the way, not to forget I am really sick. I spent last night in the Emergency. It’s been three days, I have pain in my right kidney, but last night the pain was too much, I started crying because of the pain and eventually I ended up in the hospital.

However, I feel a little better now, thank God. So going back to my topic, what I was doing was just listening to my sister as she was taking us all back to those memories.

Tonight am spending my last few hours before I enter a new age tomorrow. I have to say I feel both happy and sad.  The reason why I feel sad is because I feel like my life is slipping away from hand and I haven’t reached what I want yet! My only concern would be dying and getting old before I fulfill I turn my dreams to reality.There is a lot in my heart. So many dreams and ambitions, but above them all there is one thing always in my mind, “Making a difference, even if a small one” I know and I am positive that bringing a change will help me to peacefully, close my eyes forever.

“Making a difference” includes many things to me, to be honest I have a list of the things I consider them a mean to make a difference.

For example, I want to help someone who is really in need of my help, someone who deserves to be helped.

Graduation! I need to graduate successfully in the university as this year is my last year. I am hoping by the end of the year, I will get on to the stage with my certificate in my hand and get my award for being a serious and dedicated student. It’ll be an honor for me. I definitely think about s extending my education to probably master degree as well. I really like law, when I was little, I want to be a lawyer and I still like it. If I ever get the chance to do masters in law, I will absolutely do .

Writing is my life. I really aspire to become an inspiring and dedicating writer. I love writing, I really do.  The only thing makes me feel complete.

Traveling is also one of my dreams. I am dreaming of traveling to Africa, where I could work for the humanitarian organization.

So traveling to different places and meeting new people is a way to meet yourself!
There are many other things, but I can’t say them all here. There are some of the wishes and dreams I have been carrying them in my heart since childhood.

Tonight is no exception. Here am writing about them and deep inside, hoping there will be better tomorrows for those dreams.

This year has been very tough, I have lost many things. There were times, when I felt like I have lost myself.  There were times, when I was deeply down and couldn’t find someone or something to hold on. I had to choose silence and pray only.  There were people whom I was holding on so tight, but all of the sudden; I
had to set them free!  Those people are the closet people to my heart. But for some reasons, I lost them.

Setting them free was very painful, it felt like I was burning in a house, many people were outside looking at the house while it was turning to ashes thinking that there is no one inside, but in fact someone was inside, that someone was me! But I couldn’t shout for help because the pain was too much that I couldn’t say a word or even make a noise.

I learnt and decided to set those people free, I mean completely free and move on in my life. It still hurts, remembering some memories with them, but part of life, is letting go and only the strong can forgive and let go. I decided to be strong.

If we can only be brave enough to set the past free, take notice of everything we see as a key to our journey, and accept everyone we meet as a teacher; then we will reach the ultimate goal of our lives, which is realizing who we are.

I found myself now, and I decided to enter a new age with a free spirit. Only I and my dreams are going to continue my journey, I will not let any of the past bitter events cross the line with me. I consider them all, my past.

I know, and am sure the true people around me will walk with me along the journey. I know if they are true enough they will support me in every decision I will make from now on in my life. May be they are only few, but for me they are more than enough.

Now, am working as a journalist with Kurdishglobe. I do enjoy my work, it helps me meet new people, tell new stories about Kurdistan. I am also studying and hoping soon I will finish my last year in University.

The most important thing I learned is to have faith in myself and in my dreams. I know someday, I will make them come true and I am positive with praying and the power of will, I will handle any problem in my life. So far, I have had enough of pain, but those pains helped me to take off my glasses and see the world as it is.

I learnt from the past, when and how to eliminate people when they become harmful to me. I learned when and how to eliminate things that hurt me in my life. I learnt to try to be strong and find new hobbies and replace some dreams when I know carrying them in my heart hurt. Learning those lessons did not happen over night.  Learning them was a very painful process.

I wish and hope coming years in my life will be way better than the past.  

Finally,
Happy birthday to Ash., (Me). :)


Me,on Xarand mountain

Photo by Bakhan, K. Ali.

This article was written in November 26, 2010; a day before my Birthday. 

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