Jan 22, 2012

A Woman Speaks

They want me to believe that everything in my life is about them and nothing is about I.

Imagine how it feels to be surrounded by many, yet to be secluded and lonely. Imagine how it feels to be silent, when a voice in your heart shouts a hundred words, yet still heard by none.

I invite you to imagine all this happening to you while going through this journey.
This recalls a story that many young Kurdish girls share in common.

They look at me, because they marvel the beauty and softness that they see in me. They love keeping their eyes on me and they love observing every move and steps I take, because they can’t find explanations of why I move in certain ways and take certain steps in my life. They want to see what they want to see in me. They want to listen to what they want to hear. They always expect me to do what they want me to do, and if I don’t, they despise, ignore me, and often hate me, without allowing me to explain why I do certain things only.

When I am in trouble, most likely, they turn their back to me. When I am a victim, they disgrace me. Yet, when I am sad they blame me. If it comes that I am happy, they think I am in love. If I fall in love, they  attempt to convince me that love is dishonor. If I don’t love, they name me a stone, a hardhearted and judge me as if I am not in favor of my own nature as a woman.

They expect me to work. If I don’t work, they force me and if I work, they over use me, without giving me much in return. They teach me certain works so I merely do what they want me to do, keeping me away from what I love or like to do. And when I ask them to do something for me, they sneer and every so often, laugh at me. They make me feel smaller whenever they tell me that I am different without giving me a sensible justification of why am I so different!

When I try to give my outlook about life, they tell me, I don’t know much about it. And when I attempt to experience life, they tell me I might put myself at risk if I experience it. When I dream, they underestimate my dreams. And more importantly, when I have nothing to do, except to read and learn about life, they start to question materials I read; because they fear the fact that reading will make me think.
They don’t want me to think, since thinking will open my eyes and unlock my potentials to strive and move on to a recovered life. They realize, changing my life will cost them safety and comfort. They just want me to believe that everything in my life is about them and nothing is about me.

But, now it’s my time to speak up. It’s my time to tell them, that I am no longer theirs. I no longer belong to them and no longer their property. It’s my time to show them who I am and what I am capable of in my life. But before I do that all, I want them to walk a mile in my shoes. I do not want to repeat what they have done to me; I only want them to think a bit of me.

I want to show them how it feels to be seen in the shadow of others, how it feels to have no identity. I want them to think about all the awful thoughts that I had in mind about me, when I was theirs. I want them to hear all the judgments and the erroneous words I have heard, that I didn’t dwell in, yet couldn’t do much about them. I want them to see, feel, and think of the real I, not the false picture they have in their mind about me.

I want to be “I”, just a woman, simply a human.

this is a true story. :)

This Article was published recently in Kurdistan Tribune.